First blog
Today, as I woke up at 5 am remembering it's week 38 of my pregnancy, as always, I look to my left to see if my husband is still in bed with me. The bright light outside of my door is an indicator that he's already in the shower/packing his lunch and getting ready for work. As I let myself fall back asleep, I feel a kiss on my cheek. Even though I don't always feel my morning kisses, I do remember one morning after a fight, I didn't get my good morning kiss, and it honestly ruined my WHOLE day (Not exaggerating!). Isn't it crazy how little things like that make such a huge difference? One kiss on the cheek can make you feel loved for a whole day.
Well, I happily fell back asleep and woke up a couple of hours later to my gorgeous white cat Philbert Thomas Woodside staring at me from the other side of the bed. He always keeps a close distance to us, never fully giving in to hugs or being held, but he likes to keep his eye on you. He saw my eyes open and came over to get a few rubs in, which also made my day even better :). Like I said, it's the little things!
I love my 2 boys. I can't WAIT to see how much love I still have to give to my third one once he's here. I already feel so overwhelmed with blessings each day, I can't imagine having any more in my life...which leads to my next thought ...
Fearing Mommyhood.
For the past few weeks, I've been TERRIFIED of being a mommy. Not only that, but I'm also scared of delivery :(. I've been told this is a natural feeling most women have towards the end of their pregnancies, but for me, it's actually really dissappointing. I couldn't wait to be a mommy! My whole pregnancy, I've been more than prepared and so ready...why is it all of the sudden at the end I start to have my doubts? Could it be because my friend gave me a book on how to raise your child and being a godly mommy? orrrr could it be my scare in the hospital two weeks ago when they shoved the jaws of life into my vagina? Probably a combination of both. How sad it is though that I'm letting these issues come in between my excitement and the big picture...I GET TO BE A MOMMY! Our family of 2 gets to share all of the love we have for each other with a human who is both part of us! This is the coolest adventure I've ever been on in my entire life, and I'm not going to let fear of birth or fear of falling short of my mommyhood come between this happiness. A big reality check was when a coworker of mine (who is the sweetest lady) told us that her daughter's little girl died during childbirth. The placenta separated from the uterus and the baby died. The mother could have also, but was saved. What a horrible thing to happen. How would that mom feel if I came to her with my worries of the pain my child will give me? I'm sure she'd be thinking in her head "you get to have your child, what is there to complain about?" So, while I'm extremely sorry for the loss of this woman's little baby, it has produced a huge change of heart in me. All I want is my little Deacon James in my arms, no matter what it takes to get him there.
How selfish I can be at times. How shallow my outlook on life can be. I'm learning to look at the big picture in life. To come home and see my house and yard a mess and think "look at all the work my husband has had to do today" instead of think "look how messy my husband has made everything". To look at the pain that is ahead of me and think "It's all going to be worth it".
So many times I realize I have SO much more to learn out of life. I want to spend my time thinking on positive things, to encourage others to be happy, to not speak badly of anyone or look at myself as better than them, to soak in the little things, to take life a little slower and breathe. My fears were that I wouldn't fit the standards that I have of what a mommy should be like...but I am understanding that you never stop bettering yourself and learning how to change into a better person. It's not something I'm going to accomplish in the next 13 days before he is here...but as long as he knows I love him, and my heart and intentions are pure, I hope to teach him to accept imperfections and love someone reguardless, just as Christ loves us. The whole message of christianity is really summed up for me in these few words...THE GREATEST OF ALL IS LOVE. Love is what I want to show my child, and I know I am fully capable of fulfilling that role :)
Well, I happily fell back asleep and woke up a couple of hours later to my gorgeous white cat Philbert Thomas Woodside staring at me from the other side of the bed. He always keeps a close distance to us, never fully giving in to hugs or being held, but he likes to keep his eye on you. He saw my eyes open and came over to get a few rubs in, which also made my day even better :). Like I said, it's the little things!
I love my 2 boys. I can't WAIT to see how much love I still have to give to my third one once he's here. I already feel so overwhelmed with blessings each day, I can't imagine having any more in my life...which leads to my next thought ...
Fearing Mommyhood.
For the past few weeks, I've been TERRIFIED of being a mommy. Not only that, but I'm also scared of delivery :(. I've been told this is a natural feeling most women have towards the end of their pregnancies, but for me, it's actually really dissappointing. I couldn't wait to be a mommy! My whole pregnancy, I've been more than prepared and so ready...why is it all of the sudden at the end I start to have my doubts? Could it be because my friend gave me a book on how to raise your child and being a godly mommy? orrrr could it be my scare in the hospital two weeks ago when they shoved the jaws of life into my vagina? Probably a combination of both. How sad it is though that I'm letting these issues come in between my excitement and the big picture...I GET TO BE A MOMMY! Our family of 2 gets to share all of the love we have for each other with a human who is both part of us! This is the coolest adventure I've ever been on in my entire life, and I'm not going to let fear of birth or fear of falling short of my mommyhood come between this happiness. A big reality check was when a coworker of mine (who is the sweetest lady) told us that her daughter's little girl died during childbirth. The placenta separated from the uterus and the baby died. The mother could have also, but was saved. What a horrible thing to happen. How would that mom feel if I came to her with my worries of the pain my child will give me? I'm sure she'd be thinking in her head "you get to have your child, what is there to complain about?" So, while I'm extremely sorry for the loss of this woman's little baby, it has produced a huge change of heart in me. All I want is my little Deacon James in my arms, no matter what it takes to get him there.
How selfish I can be at times. How shallow my outlook on life can be. I'm learning to look at the big picture in life. To come home and see my house and yard a mess and think "look at all the work my husband has had to do today" instead of think "look how messy my husband has made everything". To look at the pain that is ahead of me and think "It's all going to be worth it".
So many times I realize I have SO much more to learn out of life. I want to spend my time thinking on positive things, to encourage others to be happy, to not speak badly of anyone or look at myself as better than them, to soak in the little things, to take life a little slower and breathe. My fears were that I wouldn't fit the standards that I have of what a mommy should be like...but I am understanding that you never stop bettering yourself and learning how to change into a better person. It's not something I'm going to accomplish in the next 13 days before he is here...but as long as he knows I love him, and my heart and intentions are pure, I hope to teach him to accept imperfections and love someone reguardless, just as Christ loves us. The whole message of christianity is really summed up for me in these few words...THE GREATEST OF ALL IS LOVE. Love is what I want to show my child, and I know I am fully capable of fulfilling that role :)
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