4 years later

 It’s been 4 years since my last blog post. Tonight, I walked up my basement stairs and into my vaulted ceiling living room of my modest ranch home- and I was overwhelmed at the accomplishment I felt. There was a time when I thought I’d live in my first home forever. My small, crackerjack box, 100 year old, wet basement, one bathroom home. It was something I was so proud of when I first bought it. It was a 3 year plan max to live in that home, but as time passed, I realized it was more than a 3 year home. 

There was a time where I felt so hopeless. I felt stuck. I was a worried mother carrying a family on her own. I was lonely. I was hurt. I was broken. The other night, I was snuggling my boys to sleep and I remembered the feeling I used to have years ago while doing the exact same thing. 5 years ago, I had a 1 and 3 year old, and their dad was gone on the road 5 days at a time. Each night, it was just us 3. I’d let them sleep with me in bed. They were my everything. I relied on them to push me through the hard times. I relied on them for my happiness, for my sense of worth, for my purpose. We were each others whole world. Fast forward to present day- I have a different husband now and another daughter. My 2 children haven’t been my only sense of happiness for years now. I felt almost guilt because of how close we used to be and then- it hit me. I’m happy. I’m so happy. They’re so happy. We did it guys, we finally did it. I met the man of my dreams, found someone who loves me in the right ways and fulfills the needs that were left run dry before. I moved them out of that crackerjack box and into our family home where we have more than we could ask for. I’m not struggling financially on my own, not only because of my own work, but because my husband has helped carry us to the other side. I was able to give them a sister and have my daughter. We are safe, we are content, we are happy. I have no fear of someone running into the home during our sleep and screaming and fighting and the cops showing up. I have no fear of my children going without because I can’t pay the bills. I have no fear of someone putting me down daily and having that constant pit in my stomach where my heart was empty. 

As I walked up my stairs tonight, it was a feeling that needed to be written down and so I did. We did it.