Changes
I quit writing, partially because I was ashamed of the previous posts being attached to a new blog post, and partially because I started realizing how safe it was to keep my thoughts inside. Anyways, it seemed the right time to jot down life at this moment, and even so to attach it to my previous posts because that's life- why try and change the past when I can use it as a learning experience? The past has made me who I am in this temporary moment.
As the boys are asleep- one in his crib because he is stubborn and giggly, and one in my bed because he listens and is a good snuggler- I can't help but feel overwhelmingly blessed. It hasn't been a temporary feeling, it has been the most consistently happy I have ever been. In the midst of drama and divorce dealings, I have still found myself to be in a better place than ever in my life. I'm now a single mom, self employed, single home owner, and the number one go to for these little children's needs 5 days a week and sometimes more. It's as if I was dedicated to holding on to this toxic anxiety and anger that I was living with for years, in hopes that my children would benefit from having their parents together. Fast forward to this current moment, I was so wrong. What my children needed most was a patient loving mother, and an example of a happy loving relationship in hopes that one day they could meet the love of their lives and feel loved themselves. I would never want my bad example as a parent to skew potential happiness for the ones looking to me as a role model, or even subconsciously adapting to learned behavior from their surroundings.
Today I had a talk with my 4 year old in the car. He had some questions about why mommy and daddy don't get along and can't live together. He said "but I don't hear you fight anymore. You don't yell anymore", and I asked him if he thinks mommy is happier than she used to be. He replied "Oh yes mommy, much happier". Questions from the little man can break your heart sometimes, but I find joy in the fact that I see bigger smiles consistently on both of my children's faces than I have since maybe ever, and I remind myself that their mommy is happier too, and probably their daddy as well. They are very loved, and they have parents who love them a great deal. When I think of the life we all have now, so much peace floods my soul, so much assurance, so much thankfulness. The hardest decision I've ever made was the right one, thank goodness.
A big part of my happiness is the love of my life that I was so blessed to have met. I would tell you about it...but this soul is a whole lot different than anyone I've been close to before. He is quiet, and he's a thinker. He doesn't need to be showy, or for the whole world to think he's great. He's content in who he is (as he should be), and I wouldn't want to say too much and embarrass him (although he knows who he's dating right??). For the FIRST time in my life, I truly feel that I am loved, and that my boys are loved by him as well.
Too many thoughts at once to continue, I have to remind myself to section these off and stop or I'd jot down way more info than I needed to and face palm myself the next day I went back and re read it...and so it goes...don't I always look back on the past and face palm? Yes. Yes I do.
As the boys are asleep- one in his crib because he is stubborn and giggly, and one in my bed because he listens and is a good snuggler- I can't help but feel overwhelmingly blessed. It hasn't been a temporary feeling, it has been the most consistently happy I have ever been. In the midst of drama and divorce dealings, I have still found myself to be in a better place than ever in my life. I'm now a single mom, self employed, single home owner, and the number one go to for these little children's needs 5 days a week and sometimes more. It's as if I was dedicated to holding on to this toxic anxiety and anger that I was living with for years, in hopes that my children would benefit from having their parents together. Fast forward to this current moment, I was so wrong. What my children needed most was a patient loving mother, and an example of a happy loving relationship in hopes that one day they could meet the love of their lives and feel loved themselves. I would never want my bad example as a parent to skew potential happiness for the ones looking to me as a role model, or even subconsciously adapting to learned behavior from their surroundings.
Today I had a talk with my 4 year old in the car. He had some questions about why mommy and daddy don't get along and can't live together. He said "but I don't hear you fight anymore. You don't yell anymore", and I asked him if he thinks mommy is happier than she used to be. He replied "Oh yes mommy, much happier". Questions from the little man can break your heart sometimes, but I find joy in the fact that I see bigger smiles consistently on both of my children's faces than I have since maybe ever, and I remind myself that their mommy is happier too, and probably their daddy as well. They are very loved, and they have parents who love them a great deal. When I think of the life we all have now, so much peace floods my soul, so much assurance, so much thankfulness. The hardest decision I've ever made was the right one, thank goodness.
A big part of my happiness is the love of my life that I was so blessed to have met. I would tell you about it...but this soul is a whole lot different than anyone I've been close to before. He is quiet, and he's a thinker. He doesn't need to be showy, or for the whole world to think he's great. He's content in who he is (as he should be), and I wouldn't want to say too much and embarrass him (although he knows who he's dating right??). For the FIRST time in my life, I truly feel that I am loved, and that my boys are loved by him as well.
Too many thoughts at once to continue, I have to remind myself to section these off and stop or I'd jot down way more info than I needed to and face palm myself the next day I went back and re read it...and so it goes...don't I always look back on the past and face palm? Yes. Yes I do.
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