Am I losing myself as a mother and a wife?
This week I've been asking this question over and over. Since being pregnant, I haven't found myself to get too emotional over things...at least not to the point where I cry. Yesterday, as I was picking up a rag to clean my appliances, I lost a little bit of control. Tears started forming as I thought to myself "Is this really all my life is about anymore?"
As I was crying, I was thinking about the time when I was carefree, when all I had to worry about was making sure I worked and payed my bills. I could go anywhere I wanted to go whenever I felt like it. I could spend time relaxing on my couch watching netflix in peace and quiet-not having to worry about taking care of the kids or worrying how long I have til they wake up. I could go on a run by myself for however long I wanted and not have to worry about pushing a stroller and hurrying up before Deacon got impatient or Dannen got hungry. I could go out every night of the week and drink and be able to stay up late and sleep in the next day-instead of worrying about who's going to watch my kids so I can go out knowing I won't be able to catch up on any rest the next day and worrying about how much I can drink before I have to waste breastmilk.
Fast forward to the moment I'm currently in. The reality of my life as it is. The things that are of the utmost importance to me are cleaning my house all day every day- knowing that it will just be dirty again in 10 minutes, making my children happy and taking them to do fun activites all day, working out, and paying the bills/working. As I'm sitting there with my rag, the only emotion I can relate it to is hopelessness. Stressing about how clean my house is doesn't matter. Nothing that I put my time and heart into anymore comes without stress and responsibility. I don't have an escape anymore...and the nearest point in my life that I may come close to my old life is 17 years down the road.
I remind myself daily "when I'm in my 40's, I can do everything I want to do". How depressing is that?! I'm 25, and I have to wait to follow through with the rest of my life when I'm in my 40's. For the next 17 years, my life is going to consist of constantly sacrificing myself and my body for my children. I will never have that sense of being carefree in my 20's. I'll never be able to go out and party with my friends with no worries. There will always be that giant backpack of stress on my shoulders that I carry daily, that giant knot on both of my shoulders that my once a year massage therapist will remind me "I can't get this out, you need to go see a chiropractor".
I think of the other moms. The ones that seem carefree with their kids. They still go out and party and live it up even though they have children at home...and I envy them, because I can never be them. I can never let go like they do. They take trips for days-even weeks- without their little ones, and I envy them, because I could never be them. My money is spent on my children---yes yes I know and starbucks---and for the rest of my life it will continue to be....not excluding the starbucks section at all. *sidenote: I should start claiming coffee as a deduction, because no one would like how I do their hair with my natural mom without sleep energy*
Then, there's my husband. He sees me crying and comes to comfort me and ask me what's wrong. As I look at him, I can't help but wonder how he never breaks down about this stuff. He is gone 8am-9pm with work and school, yet still makes sure to help with the kids when he's home and help me out in any way that he can. He used to have a life of ease and money and was able to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and now his life is the complete opposite. He works hard at school and at his job with the hopes that one day we will be able to have a better financial situation and honestly he doesn't really complain. He eats his breakfast at home everyday and packs his lunch for work/school and never asks for money to go out even if he's in a hurry. How is it that he's so much stronger than me? How is he literally never stressed? Why doesn't he feel like he's missing out on anything? Man, I look at him and it makes me love him that much more.
I'm not saying I didn't want this. I wanted children so badly and I wanted to be a mom so badly. I guarantee if I was still my single carefree self, I would be sad about the life I could have had and the family I could have had. I always wanted to be a mom---and if I'm being honest, I'm damn good at it. Why am I good at it? Because I stress. Because I over-care. It's just at some point, I need to start putting myself first, and I have no idea how that's remotely a possibility. Still today, I look at my children and I am so overjoyed to have them in my life. I am blessed with my family and with everything I do have.
Still, it doesn't ever keep me from wondering if I'll be able to go on like this for long. I don't enjoy waking up everyday and being the punisher, the corrector, the provider, the cleaner, the chef, the scolder of my husband, the one who orders everyone around, the bitter woman...I want to wake up and be a whole different kind of mother and wife sometimes---
Yep, honestly I do want to go back to the woman I was. Carefree, fun, easygoing...but I don't think those things can exist in my world right now, at least not for long. Well hey, maybe in my 40's...
As I was crying, I was thinking about the time when I was carefree, when all I had to worry about was making sure I worked and payed my bills. I could go anywhere I wanted to go whenever I felt like it. I could spend time relaxing on my couch watching netflix in peace and quiet-not having to worry about taking care of the kids or worrying how long I have til they wake up. I could go on a run by myself for however long I wanted and not have to worry about pushing a stroller and hurrying up before Deacon got impatient or Dannen got hungry. I could go out every night of the week and drink and be able to stay up late and sleep in the next day-instead of worrying about who's going to watch my kids so I can go out knowing I won't be able to catch up on any rest the next day and worrying about how much I can drink before I have to waste breastmilk.
Fast forward to the moment I'm currently in. The reality of my life as it is. The things that are of the utmost importance to me are cleaning my house all day every day- knowing that it will just be dirty again in 10 minutes, making my children happy and taking them to do fun activites all day, working out, and paying the bills/working. As I'm sitting there with my rag, the only emotion I can relate it to is hopelessness. Stressing about how clean my house is doesn't matter. Nothing that I put my time and heart into anymore comes without stress and responsibility. I don't have an escape anymore...and the nearest point in my life that I may come close to my old life is 17 years down the road.
I remind myself daily "when I'm in my 40's, I can do everything I want to do". How depressing is that?! I'm 25, and I have to wait to follow through with the rest of my life when I'm in my 40's. For the next 17 years, my life is going to consist of constantly sacrificing myself and my body for my children. I will never have that sense of being carefree in my 20's. I'll never be able to go out and party with my friends with no worries. There will always be that giant backpack of stress on my shoulders that I carry daily, that giant knot on both of my shoulders that my once a year massage therapist will remind me "I can't get this out, you need to go see a chiropractor".
I think of the other moms. The ones that seem carefree with their kids. They still go out and party and live it up even though they have children at home...and I envy them, because I can never be them. I can never let go like they do. They take trips for days-even weeks- without their little ones, and I envy them, because I could never be them. My money is spent on my children---yes yes I know and starbucks---and for the rest of my life it will continue to be....not excluding the starbucks section at all. *sidenote: I should start claiming coffee as a deduction, because no one would like how I do their hair with my natural mom without sleep energy*
Then, there's my husband. He sees me crying and comes to comfort me and ask me what's wrong. As I look at him, I can't help but wonder how he never breaks down about this stuff. He is gone 8am-9pm with work and school, yet still makes sure to help with the kids when he's home and help me out in any way that he can. He used to have a life of ease and money and was able to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and now his life is the complete opposite. He works hard at school and at his job with the hopes that one day we will be able to have a better financial situation and honestly he doesn't really complain. He eats his breakfast at home everyday and packs his lunch for work/school and never asks for money to go out even if he's in a hurry. How is it that he's so much stronger than me? How is he literally never stressed? Why doesn't he feel like he's missing out on anything? Man, I look at him and it makes me love him that much more.
I'm not saying I didn't want this. I wanted children so badly and I wanted to be a mom so badly. I guarantee if I was still my single carefree self, I would be sad about the life I could have had and the family I could have had. I always wanted to be a mom---and if I'm being honest, I'm damn good at it. Why am I good at it? Because I stress. Because I over-care. It's just at some point, I need to start putting myself first, and I have no idea how that's remotely a possibility. Still today, I look at my children and I am so overjoyed to have them in my life. I am blessed with my family and with everything I do have.
Still, it doesn't ever keep me from wondering if I'll be able to go on like this for long. I don't enjoy waking up everyday and being the punisher, the corrector, the provider, the cleaner, the chef, the scolder of my husband, the one who orders everyone around, the bitter woman...I want to wake up and be a whole different kind of mother and wife sometimes---
Yep, honestly I do want to go back to the woman I was. Carefree, fun, easygoing...but I don't think those things can exist in my world right now, at least not for long. Well hey, maybe in my 40's...
Our Joy comes from the Lord, not from anything in this world. Your struggles are very real. And very much how the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy our lives. As we seek God we begin to do everything as if we are doing it for the Lord, not for man. I am praying for you this morning.
ReplyDelete