I just do this for my own personal therapy
So, lots of stuff going on right now. 1 day until Dannen Grey. Emotions: back and forth between positive and negative. The crib still isn't ready, his shelf still isn't hung, it just snowed a shit-ton outside, my son is doing everything he's not supposed to do, everything I've cleaned is now dirtied up from my husband finishing up projects, I've spent absolutely no time with him at all for the past 2 weeks and on our last day together, I still won't get to because he hasn't finished his projects for the baby. I just found out the adorable bumper pads that I bought forever ago for Dannen's crib now won't work on the crib, money isn't coming in when it's supposed to and bills are due, and this is all less than 24 hours before I'm supposed to go into labor.
Just a few minutes ago, as I was rocking my big baby to sleep, I got really emotional. He's been my one and only baby for 1.5 years now, and I can only imagine the struggles we are about to face in our relationship. Him, probably wondering why mommy can't hold him anymore and play with him, and me, feeling guilty about it. I will most likely be stressed beyond what I can imagine and my patience tolerance very very low (as it already is at this moment). I'm so fearful, actually terrified, of not treating my oldest as well as I have been able to for these past 1.5 years. I'm so afraid I will be on edge and yelling at him for getting into things constantly that I will forget to teach him with patience what is right and wrong.
Then there is breastfeeding. Such a wonderful thing for my babies, it's free, it creates a bond...but such a struggle in the same. SUCH a struggle. Painful, time consuming....and then it's also painful and time consuming. As I feel my heart start to race and my mind go at a crazy pace, I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and pray. Think of the positives. I know the minute I see that baby that all of the negatives will disappear. I know that because that's how it was with Deacon. When I finish this I'm actually going to do some prenatal yoga to try and calm myself down even more after THIS release (that is why I do these).
Last night, while sitting on the bathroom floor with my hands around my belly, breathing deeply, saying prayers, trying to think positively, there were good thoughts. The good thoughts are...daydreams about what life could be like after tomorrow, hopes that I can handle what is about to happen, but all of the daydreams are unknowns. When I hear friends say "I'm praying for you", I really do depend on those prayers and appreciate them. So many things are beyond my control. All I can say for sure is I can't wait to meet my second son. There's not one part of me that doesn't want him. It's all fear of being a failure to my kids and not meeting my standards, even if it's not theirs. I live in a world of worry, perfectionism, organization, personal criticism, and overworking myself to provide myself contentment in these areas. It's the truth. Especially now. Before a husband and children, I could be carefree. Now that my life has changed, I'm no longer allowed that luxury. My posts went from pictures of skinny hot me with a drink in my hand surrounded by friends to nonstop photos of me at home with my kid, pregnant, with coffee in my hand just to keep me going. I guess what I'm trying to say is I see how being a wife and a mother is stressful, and I wish I could find a balance between the old me and the new me. I wish I could be carefree like I was and fun, but still be able to hold everything together.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Just a few minutes ago, as I was rocking my big baby to sleep, I got really emotional. He's been my one and only baby for 1.5 years now, and I can only imagine the struggles we are about to face in our relationship. Him, probably wondering why mommy can't hold him anymore and play with him, and me, feeling guilty about it. I will most likely be stressed beyond what I can imagine and my patience tolerance very very low (as it already is at this moment). I'm so fearful, actually terrified, of not treating my oldest as well as I have been able to for these past 1.5 years. I'm so afraid I will be on edge and yelling at him for getting into things constantly that I will forget to teach him with patience what is right and wrong.
Then there is breastfeeding. Such a wonderful thing for my babies, it's free, it creates a bond...but such a struggle in the same. SUCH a struggle. Painful, time consuming....and then it's also painful and time consuming. As I feel my heart start to race and my mind go at a crazy pace, I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and pray. Think of the positives. I know the minute I see that baby that all of the negatives will disappear. I know that because that's how it was with Deacon. When I finish this I'm actually going to do some prenatal yoga to try and calm myself down even more after THIS release (that is why I do these).
Last night, while sitting on the bathroom floor with my hands around my belly, breathing deeply, saying prayers, trying to think positively, there were good thoughts. The good thoughts are...daydreams about what life could be like after tomorrow, hopes that I can handle what is about to happen, but all of the daydreams are unknowns. When I hear friends say "I'm praying for you", I really do depend on those prayers and appreciate them. So many things are beyond my control. All I can say for sure is I can't wait to meet my second son. There's not one part of me that doesn't want him. It's all fear of being a failure to my kids and not meeting my standards, even if it's not theirs. I live in a world of worry, perfectionism, organization, personal criticism, and overworking myself to provide myself contentment in these areas. It's the truth. Especially now. Before a husband and children, I could be carefree. Now that my life has changed, I'm no longer allowed that luxury. My posts went from pictures of skinny hot me with a drink in my hand surrounded by friends to nonstop photos of me at home with my kid, pregnant, with coffee in my hand just to keep me going. I guess what I'm trying to say is I see how being a wife and a mother is stressful, and I wish I could find a balance between the old me and the new me. I wish I could be carefree like I was and fun, but still be able to hold everything together.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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