When we were young

The definition of the word “ALWAYS”- all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly

Recently, my husband and I went to get a tattoo that held meaning for both of us. We were vacationing in Hawaii and wanted a Hawaiian word that encompassed our relationship. I had found a Hawaiian word that said “forever” and, to my surprise, he said “I don’t want the words forever or always”. My feelings were hurt by his response, so I gasped and in a whiny voice said “why?!” He reminded me that over 7.5 years ago when we met, my phone password was the word “always”. You see, before we met, I had fallen in love with my best friend. Our word was “always”. I had totally forgotten until he recently reminded me. In lieu of letting go of the past- I’m going to write it all down…in some sort of attempt to have my soul rid of it all. 

My heart breaks for my husband if he was for a moment thinking he isn’t my person. There was a time I had to choose between the love of my life (at the time) who was also my best friend - or my husband. The words “you have to choose”…I still remember that feeling. It all came down to safety. I didn’t feel safe with being in love with my best friend (however) I did feel safe that he would always be my best friend.  Always, remember? 

How it began. 

I remember seeing him and not really seeing him. He was in the group of people I was friends with- but I looked right past him. Then one day- I really saw him. I don’t know how it took me so long, but I remember texting him and saying “I’m interested in you”. I think my boldness always terrified him. He was reserved and a thinker. Someone who took pride in his intelligence. He was kind - so kind - and it was just a connection I can’t describe. He took me on a date after months- and barely said a word to me. I remember him scolding me to be careful with my wine and not spill it on the carpet. I’m thinking “dude, you finally talk and that’s what you have to say?”  He was bossy. He still is bossy…and it’s always been my least favorite part. After being told what to do, I made a b line to the other side of the room where I met (who would be) my 2 boys’ dad. 

6 months later I was pregnant with my first. I had recently learned that the guy I went on that date with was actually my new husband best friend from childhood. Now, he’s in my new home, painting my children’s nursery, having movie night with us, holding my newborn…it was all very weird for me. 

After recognizing that I wasn’t being treated well in my marriage- he said he began to fall in love with me while watching me be a mother to my children. I think he fantasized about being a prince on a horse coming to take me away from my current situation…and so did I. we shared a love for music. He moved to South America for his work, but he would send me music of artists or songs he enjoyed and I would vice versa. I started realizing as time went on, that these songs all began having something in common- they were love songs. 

Me- being the bold person that I am- asked him point blank one day if he had feelings for me, and he admitted, yes. He cared more about me than he cared about himself. That’s what I loved about him. He was willing to be the bad guy and let my husband know what had happened so that my husband and I could work on our relationship. He left the picture and we tried, but failed. I had said I wanted out, and back he came. 

Back from South America, for just a month. I fell so in love with him that month- and the following months. My heart truly broke when he went back to South America. I’d never felt pain like that before. Yet, we remained best friends. He told me over the phone that he loved me too, and somehow we ended up agreeing to just be friends because life was too complicated. I was still living with my ex and “my friend” had no plans to move home. I was devastated. Yet, always, we remained in each others life. I told him everything. Even the worst parts of me. He always loved me anyways, which solidified the bond I had with him. It was as if we spoke each others language. We could both say words that really made a mark on each others heart. He was my person…

But…he wasn’t coming home. I decided to move on. If our love wasn’t strong enough for him to come back and choose me, I’d find it elsewhere. And I did! I found Cody.

I still remember calling him on his birthday and telling him that I had met a great guy that I really liked. He was so happy for me.we always just wanted each other to be happy. It was a different kind of love. I didn’t realize , however, that he was wanting to tell me that he was coming home- for good. 

About 1-2 weeks later, he called me and said “meet me at this cafe in town” wait what?!?! In town?!?! He was home!! I had missed him so much and loved catching up with him, but I was still uneasy. He didn’t feel like a safe person to give my heart to again. After all, he had the power to completely crush it, and I didn’t want to go through that again. Upon seeing Cody again, I was told I had to choose - so I did. I chose was what new and felt safer. 

I tried to cut him out for good, but the love I had for him as a person never went away. The romantic feelings did - as I fell deep in love with Cody- but he was still there. He was angry at me for cutting him out and choosing someone else. I didn’t fulfill my end of the promise, and I felt guilt for that for years. I was supposed to be there for him, always. 

Time passed and we would check on each other in bursts. How’s life? What’s new? I miss you. I miss you too. Years went by, and I kept falling deeper in love with my husband and father of my daughter. The “always” love that I still had for him was different. It was a feeling that felt like home. Not romantic…it’s hard to describe. 

I kept in touch and one day, he told me he had asked his wife if we could be friends again. Normally- I was always the one reaching out over the years and keeping up , so I felt nice to feel like he cared too. I was asked to see if my husband was ok with it. Maybe we could all be friends? After all , it had been so long ago, and the root of it all wasn’t romance. I really felt none of that type of love for him. Anyways, I asked my husband. He kept ignoring the question, and I couldn’t blame him. After weeks with no answer , I said I’m just gonna go have coffee With him, I hope that’s ok. 

He, of course, changed his mind. Every time we would get ready to meet, he’d change his mind. It was like it was beginning to feel like a game. So I called him out on it. One thing I will say- he rarely owns up to things I call him out on. There’s definately some sort of superiority complex. I felt torn down by him a lot. He told me, after asking for us to be friends, that he changed his mind and it wasn’t a good idea. At this point, it’s been 7 years of this behavior, and I was tired. So tired of it. Once I called him out on it, he sent a final message. “Im blocking you on everything and cutting you out. I neee to focus on my family”. As if I had done something wrong. As if I had done anything but try to be there and make up for when I wasn’t. It finally hit me- I don’t want to anymore. 

The person I loved isn’t the same person anymore. The always isn’t an always anymore. And that’s ok. 

I have fallen so deeply in love with my husband. More in the last 2 years than ever before. I am so thankful for the choice that I made. I am so thankful I chose him and HE CHOSE ME. He is my always. I thought I had met my person, but that person was just a preface of a greater love that was coming. I am so thankful that I can finally let go of that past and move forward guilt free. It was a long long long lesson. It was a 13 year lesson in fact. 13 years was too long to hold on to a person who’s “always” didn’t show with their actions. 

Here’s what “always” is. Always is waking up every single morning to make your wife coffee and help her children that aren’t even yours get ready for school. Always is never forgetting to kiss her with ever entrance into a room and exit out of it. Always is trusting your person with huge life altering decisions with a smile on your face. Always is what I have- and I’m so thankful.